How to Train Your Nazgul
by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey
Summary: Frodo needs to make his mark. How can he prove to Gandalf that he is more than he seems?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own The Lord of the Rings or How to Train Your Dragon, or any of these characters, etc.

This story is written in the form of a screenplay. It is essentially the screenplay of the How to Train Your Dragon film mixed with the story of The Lord of the Rings. . .I made a few tweaks, of course, so that they could work together. Don't expect it to be too similar to either one.

This is also funnier if you know the How to Train Your Dragon movie really well. :)

**Fade In:**

**Ext. Volcanic Mountain/Tall Dark Tower - Night**

We skim over tall, forbidding mountains. The camera turns towards a volcanic mountain, Mount Doom. It is a gigantic volcano jutting out of the sombre landscape.

**Frodo (V. O.)**

This, is Mordor. It's twelve days North of hopeless, and a few days South of freezing to death. It's located solidly on the meridian of misery.

(The camera drifts over to rolling green hills to reveal a small village with houses built into the ground.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

My village. In a word, comfy. And it's been here for fourteen-hundred years, but every single home is as good as new.

(The camera drifts closer, circling.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

We have fishing, hunting, and a charming view of the sunsets. The only problems are the pests. You see, most places have mice, or mosquitoes. We have…

(Sheep graze peacefully on a hillside. Suddenly they all turn and run.)

**Cut To:**

**Int. Bilbo's House - Continuous **

A door is pulled open… as an ORC runs directly towards it, YELLING. The door is SLAMMED by FRODO, a gangly teenage Hobbit.

**Frodo**

… Orcs!

**Ext. Bilbo's House **

He reopens the door and leaps down the front steps. He weaves through the busy Hobbits on the streets.

More orcs swarm in, screaming and frightening the townspeople.

**Frodo (V. O.) **

Most people would leave. Not us. We're Bagginses. We have stubbornness issues.

(Hobbit folk run around the streets screaming.

ON FRODO running and dodging people.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

My name's Frodo. Great name, I know. But it's not the worst. Parents believe a hideous name will frighten off gnomes and trolls. Like our charming Hobbit demeanor wouldn't do that.

(Ringwraiths gallop back and forth, dodging the frightened Hobbits.)

(Enter GANDALF, the Grey Wizard. He yanks Frodo from the path of an attacking orc and holds him aloft.)

**Gandalf**

Frodo?!

(Accusingly to Bilbo)

What is he doing out again?

(To Frodo)

What are you doing out?! Get inside.

(His staff lights up his scowling face and grey beard. He sets Frodo down and turns to the sky, searching.)

**Frodo (V. O.)**

**(In Awe)**

That's Gandalf the Grey. The grey wizard. They say that when he was a baby he popped an orc's head clean off it's shoulders. Do I believe it?

(Gandalf hits an orc forcibly with his staff.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

Yes I do.

(Frodo ducks into a large tent.)

**Int. Tent - Continuous**

(He sits down at a table, near which two young Hobbits, PIPPIN and MERRY, are playing with firecrackers.)

**Pippin**

Ah! Nice of you to join the party!

**Merry**

I'd thought you'd been carried off.

**Frodo**

Who, me? Nah, I'm way too muscular for their taste. They wouldn't know what to do with all this.

(Frodo strikes a bodybuilder pose.)

**Pippin**

They need toothpicks, don't they?

(Frodo puts down his mug and starts dancing with ROSY COTTON.)

**Frodo (V. O.) **

Those two meatheads with attitudes are Pippin Took and Merry Brandybuck. I've been their friend ever since I was little… Well… littler.

**Ext. Village - Continuous**

(An orc lights a fire on one of the houses. In response four people run forward with buckets to put it out.)

**Frodo (V. O.)**

Oh, and that's Aragorn, Boromir, the Elf Legolas, and Gimli.

(More flames leap up behind them, and they walk forward looking awsome and heroic.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

Their job is so much cooler.

(Frodo tries to join them as they walk past, but is grabbed by Gandalf and hoisted back inside the tent.)

**Frodo**

Ah, come on. Let me out, please. I need to make my mark.

**Gandalf**

Oh, you've made plenty of marks; all in the wrong places.

**Frodo**

Please, two minutes. I'll kill an orc. My life will get infinitely better; I might even get a date.

**Gandalf**

You can't swing a sword, you can't lift an axe; you can't even shoot one of these!

(Gandalf holds up an arrow.)

**Frodo**

Ok, fine, but…

(He picks up a crossbow)

This will shoot it for me.

(He accidentally pulls the trigger and shoots an arrow, narrowly missing Gandalf and taking out a Hobbit outside the tent.)

**Gandalf**

See, now this right here is what I'm talking about.

**Frodo**

Mild calibration issue.

**Gandalf**

Frodo. If you ever want to get out there to fight orcs, you need to stop all… this.

(He gestures vaguely in Frodo's direction.)

**Frodo**

**(Annoyed)**

But you just pointed to all of me.

**Gandalf**

Yes! That's it. Stop being all of you.

**Frodo**

**(Threatening)**

Oooohhhh…

**Gandalf**

**(Mimicking)**

Oooohhh yes…

**Frodo**

You, sir, are playing a dangerous game. Keeping this much raw… Hobbitness contained. There will be consequences!

**Gandalf**

I'll take my chances. Dishes. Wash. Now.

(Frodo takes the dishes and starts wiping them down, fantasizing… )

**Frodo (V. O.) **

One day I'll get out there. Because killing an orc is everything around here.

**Ext. Dusty Plain - Night**

Orcs run along the plain, brandishing swords.

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

A snaga is sure to get me at least noticed. Uruks are tough; taking down one of those would definitely get me a girlfriend. An Uruk-Hai? Exotic, exciting. Longer name, twice the status. And then there's the cave trolls. Only the best warriors go after those. They have this nasty habit of bashing everything up with mallets.

(Frodo looks out the tent flaps.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

But the ultimate prize is the one no one has ever seen. We call it the…

**Aragorn**

Nazgul! Get down.

(Hobbits everywhere duck for cover. A sharp screeching sound is heard. A large black flying shadow zips through the air, knocking down buildings with the sound of it's voice.)

**Frodo (V. O.)**

This thing never steals food, never shows itself, and…

(The screeching dies away, and the buildings lay in ruin.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

…Never misses.

No one has ever killed a Nazgul. That's why I'm gonna be the first.

**Gandalf**

Man the fort, Frodo, they need me out there!

(Gandalf pauses. He turns with a threatening glare.)

**Gandalf (Cont.)**

Stay. Put. There. You know what I mean.

(Gandalf charges out the tent, hollering. Frodo smirks.)


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, wow. I've been slacking off on this story. I'm so sorry, guys. I just didn't feel inspired. Hopefully I'll be able to keep writing this. Thank you for your patience. It's been over a **year. **O.O

**Ext. Village - Moments Later**

(WHAM! Frodo carries his crossbow through a wall of clustered Hobbits. He weaves through the ongoing mayhem, as fast as his legs can carry him.)

**Gimli (O. S.) **

Frodo, where are you going?

**Boromir**

Get back here!

**Frodo**

I know! Be right back!

**In the Field Below**

(The Orcs have cornered a house-full of Hobbits. They close in, ready to spring upon them. Gandalf suddenly appears, hitting them with his staff! The surprised Orcs are knocked unconscious. Gandalf runs forward and is tripped by one that's still awake.)

**Gandalf**

Mind yourselves! The devils still have some juice in them!

**On The Hill **

(Frodo reaches the top of Bag End. He quickly lifts his crossbow and points it towards the sky. He hears the Nazgul approaching, completely camouflaged by the night sky.)

**Frodo**

Come on, give me something to shoot at, give me something to shoot at.

(KABLAM! A Hobbit house topples. A blast of fire illuminates the Nazgul for one second. Frodo pulls the trigger. The arrow shoots into the sky, followed by a thwack and a screech.)

**Frodo (cont) **

(Surprised, then elated)

Oh, I hit it! Yes, I hit it! Did anybody see that?

(Frodo's victory is short-lived. An Uruk-Hai appears, climbing up over the edge of the hill.)

**Frodo (cont)**

Except for you.

**Gandalf**

(Fighting the Orcs. He hears a familiar holler, and looks up to see… Frodo running along the top of the hill, screaming, with the Uruk-Hai on his heels. Alarmed, Gandalf abandons the Orcs and runs off.)

Do not let them escape!

**In the Town **

(The Hobbits dodge as Frodo avoids a near-fatal punch. Frodo gets behind the last standing scarecrow, - the only shelter available. The Uruk smashes at it with his sword. Frodo peers around and sees no sign of the Uruk-Hai. He turns again to find it learing at him, blocking his escape. It lifts its sword. Frodo is finished!

Suddenly, Bilbo leaps between them, knocking the Uruk-Hai to the ground. They fight. The Orc stands up, but falls to his knees again.)

**Bilbo**

You're all out.

(He smashes the Orc repeatedly in the face, until it runs away. Gandalf turns towards Frodo.)

**Frodo (V. O.)**

Oh, and there's one more thing you need to know.

(The scarecrow collapses, sending its burning head rolling through the crops and setting the corn on fire. The Orcs escape, carrying several Hobbits. Screams echo back towards Frodo and Bilbo.)

Sorry, Uncle.

**Ext. Hobbit Village **

(The crowd of Hobbits eye Gandalf, seeing how he'll respond. The Orcs have clearly won.)

**Frodo**

(Sheepish)

Okay but I killed a Nazgul.

(Gandalf grabs Frodo by the scruff of his neck and drags him away, fuming.)

It's not like the last few times, Gandalf. I mean I really actually hit it. You guys were busy and I had a very clear shot. It went down just past Hobbiton. Let's get a search party out there, before it-

**Gandalf**

Stop! Just- stop.

(He releases Frodo. Everyone goes silent, waiting expectantly.)

Every time you step outside, disaster follows. Can you not see that I have bigger problems?

**Boromir**

Winter is coming.

**Gandalf**

And I have an entire Shire to feed.

**Frodo**

(Looks around. All eyes are on him.)

Well, between you and me, the Shire could do with a little less feeding, don't you think?

(A few rotund Hobbits stir uncomfortably.)

**Gandalf**

This isn't a joke, Frodo! Why can't you follow the simplest orders?

**Frodo**

I can't stop myself. I see a Nazgul and I just have to kill it, you know? It's who I am, Gandalf.

**Gandalf**

(Facepalms)

You are many things, Frodo, but a Nazgul killer is not one of them. Get back to the house.

(To Aragorn) Make sure he gets there. I have this mess to clean up.

**Gimli**

Quite the performance.

**Legolas**

I've never seen anyone mess up that badly. That helped!

**Frodo**

Thank you, thank you. I was trying, so…

(Aragorn leads Frodo to Bag End.)

I really did hit one.

**Aragorn**

Sure, Frodo.

**Frodo**

He never listens. And when he does, its' with this disappointed scowl like someone skimped on the meat in his sandwich.

**Aragorn**

You're thinking about this all wrong. It's not so much what you look like; it's what's inside that he can't stand.

**Frodo**

Thank you, for summing that up.

**Aragorn **

Look, the point is, stop trying to be somethign you're not.

**Frodo **

I just want to be one of you guys.


End file.
